and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
