I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
