Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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