dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
