Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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