I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
