Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Pants are for mortals
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
