You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
