U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
