There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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