If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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