Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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