I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
