it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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