how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
