i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize