i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
