My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
