OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
