i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
