absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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