Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
