Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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