Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
