dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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