Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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