I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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