im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
