Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
my being single is dangerous.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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