There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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