Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Randomize
