never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
