life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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