R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
