I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
please come you make the beer taste better
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Randomize
