Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
