I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
