I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
