That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
