He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Dignity is for republicans.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
