You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
