I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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