Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
