When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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