I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize