'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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