I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i dont even know how to be here
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize