DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
