Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize