You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
