his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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