Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
