masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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