I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
