I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
