Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
