I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
