'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
This is the high leading the old right now
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
